The countdown begins

So this is my blog to share my experiences and express my feelings as I began the early part of a lifelong journey.

In August of this year I am moving to Ireland as a graduate student at University College Dublin (UCD). My first graduate program is a Higher Diploma in Women's Studies. After that my plan is to pursue a graduate degree in Psychology with the longer-term goal of becoming a therapist for women.

You'll notice I said "my plan". I have found that often we plan what we'd like to do but life has a way of redirecting us towards whatever achievement IT has in mind.

When I originally began this journey to graduate school in Ireland I was leaving behind an 11 year career in marketing/copywriting/PR/communications.

Since my undergraduate days I expected to be a successful writer and communications specialist. But life had other plans for me and in April of 2009 I was given some insight into what those plans were.

I'll spare you the details of my discovery (for now) but I will share this: the moment I heard these plans I knew in my heart they were right. I knew my path or at least the general trajectory of my path!

When I came into this life I was born to a wonderful father and a neglectful mother who eventually abandoned both of us. Naturally this left a substantial imprint on me.

In due time I acknowledged this imprint and began working on myself to change it, heal it and live with it. Thanks to a wonderful counselor who I worked with during my teen years I eventually made peace with my situation.

However I did not learn how to embrace this wound nor did I ever learn how to nurture myself as a mother would nurture her child. I was not given that maternal guidance (despite having a loving stepmom and father) and for decades I felt a gaping hole which I could never fill.

No relationship, no career accomplishment, no friendship, no amount of money, no experience in my life - absolutely nothing ever made up for this loss and this longing.

Through years of self-work and exploration I eventually found my way to what would heal my motherloss. I was shown how to nurture myself and mother myself.

And as I did so my life changed. My friendships became more intimate, I began to trust in the sharing process and began to open myself up more. I embraced my emotions and shared them with trustworthy and loving people.

And I journeyed. For my 33rd birthday I took a trip to Ireland for 20 days. It was my gift to myself for coming so far in my life and following a truly difficult path.

As I traveled around the Emerald Isle I could feel a loving, mothering presence all around me. It wasn't a particular native I met or the man I fell in love with. Nor was it the great ocean holding the gentle lands in Her embrace.

That mother love came from every part of the country: Her majestic green rolling hills, Her gentle love shining in the eyes of most everyone I met, the jolly laugh of friends at the local pub. All of it. All of it was mothering to me. And I wanted to saturate myself with it. I simply couldn't fill myself up enough with it.

There in that beautiful, beautiful country I found The Mother I had been searching for over 30 years. It was the most transcendental, ecstatic experience I had ever had.

Nearly every day I was in Ireland I wept. I wept for the love I had been missing, for the mother I had never known but had now found, for the little girl I once was (and still am) who cried out night after night fearing the next morning would bring total and utter abandonment from all her loved ones.

And I sobbed endlessly when I realized I had to leave Her, this mothering presence.

Here was the one thing my soul had ached for for 33 years and I would have to leave it. It was unimaginable to me. It was as though I had lost my Mother all over again...only this time I knew Her love and what it was like to be held in Her love, to be embraced, accepted and supported by Her love.

So towards the end of my trip I simply decided I would return to Ireland on a permanent basis. Ireland had embraced me as Her own and for the rest of my life I would weep until I embraced Her heart calling to mine.

In early June of 2009 I came up with a plan: graduate school in Ireland.

Thanks to Divine Guidance I knew my career path was changing. And to best facilitate this change I chose to return to college and get a graduate degree (or 2 or 3!). I knew going to graduate school in Ireland would be the perfect beginning to the new leg of my life journey.

And so this August I will take an enormous step/leap/jump on my path as I enter graduate school. My work in Ireland will help me discover how to help others heal their own motherloss.

I am ecstatic, elated and overjoyed at this opportunity. When I think about I'm certain my body simply crackles with excitement!

For almost 15 years I have been searching for my calling, my path and my purpose. Now I have found it or at least discovered the early stages of it: love myself, nurture myself by living in Her presence in Ireland and help other women heal their motherless.

So even though I am saying farewell to the most joyful family in Colorado and my generous and loving family in Wisconsin it is with resoluteness and solidness that I do so.

I am strong in who I am, where I am going and what I am doing.

My heart knows I am always guided, supported and loved in this journey (as well are) and I know this will hold true in Ireland as well.

And this is the blog where I will share my ups and downs, my joys and my sorrows along this path. Always knows my heart will be thinking and loving each of you as I journey.

Please join me and contribute as you are so moved.