My Story

Ok I know I haven't blogged much of late but I did write this last month; I meant to post it but just never got around to it. It's a bit of a rant so please bear in mind while you read this entry.




Sometimes people say to me I should be willing to give my birth mother another chance. They say people change, maybe she has changed. And I agree with them - people DO change and they can. Maybe she has changed or maybe if not today one day in the future she will.

But I won't allow her back into my life I tell them. She hasn't earned it.

And sometimes people say to me but she's your mother doesn't she deserve another chance? While that is all well & good I respectively tell them I will not give her another chance. I tell them there is a part of me that will also hope and want desperately to believe she has changed and she will be the mother to me she never was.

And then there is the rest of me. The rest of me that must mother myself, that must release the hurt, the pain, the anger, the rejection and obliteration she caused. And that part of me won't allow her another chance to enter my life. That part of me remembers the decades (nearly two) she had in which to change, in which to step up and become a true mother to me. Hell not even a mother just someone I knew and spent time with consistently.

That same part of me is angry when someone suggests I give her yet another chance. I think (and depending on who I'm speaking with) and say you didn't live through the first 19 years of my life. You didn't live through the years of abandonment, emotional neglect and rejection. You weren't there when she disappeared for years on end with not so much as a letter or phone call. You weren't there when she attempted on several occasions to legally disown me. You weren't there when I had countless terrifying dreams of being abandoned by everyone I love. You weren't there when I suffered debilitating separation anxiety. You weren't there when I sank into such a deep depression I barely had the energy to get out of bed. You weren't there when that depression threatened to suck me under into oblivion and the only thing that stopped it was the thought of losing my beloved brother and sister.

And then I watch their blank stare as they try to comprehend my pain and my loss. I think you don't know what it is like and I am glad you don't. But before I get carried away into self-righteousness I remember that my story is more than just the story of my pain, it is a story of loss, of true love for self, endurance and healing. It is in that moment, in that remembrance that I am grateful for my story and my ability to share it.

I Don't Know What to Do

I don't know what to do next. I am midway through my MA in Women's Studies and it's grand. As of today I have a 3.7 GPA and hopefully will continue in that vein. I'd LOVE to graduate with high honors, it would be incredible.

But what do I do after that? I don't know if I want to pursue my PhD in Women's Studies; it would mean another 3 years of school and could mean an additional $120k in debt unless I find other sources of funding. And I don't know if I want to pursue a higher diploma in Psychology because I'm not 100% sure I can hack it. Some of the classes don't interest me very much (unlike Women's Studies but I've loved every class, even the mere glimmer of each class) and it could mean another $80k in loans unless again I find additional sources of funding.

I know this: I want to help women heal themselves and I want to have my own retreat center in which I do just that. But how do I get there? Can I get there without an education in counseling/psychology? Do I dare???? Is it ethical of me? I don't know and I don't know how to find out.

I am very afraid of going out into the workforce, especially in Ireland, at this time. The economy is shit but my intuitive side says whatever I choice I will be fine because this is my path and my angels/guides/Higher Self will be sure I am taken care of.

I guess it boils down to wanting to know how things will play out. I want this to be a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book so I can skip ahead and check all the outcomes you know?

And to top it off I feel I have come to a turning point in my relationship. We have been together for 5 months (on the 11th) and we still only see each other once a week (usually). And I have not met his family nor his friends. It bothers me and I have expressed this; I have asked for what I want but it doesn't seem to be getting through to him.

Tonight he got defensive when I said I was feeling sad & unimportant because he's going to be gone this weekend so we won't see each other for two weeks. He said I shouldn't feel that way because it wasn't his choice to go away and besides I am going away soon. He said he would make sure we spent time together before I leave.

I was beyond angry when I read his text (he began the conversation via text so that is the way it flowed). My visit to my family is not relevant and he was clearly saying it out of anger, in an attempt to deflect the situation back on to me.

Anyway at this point I want to spend more time with him and for us to get closer; more than want I need it. I need to be in a relationship that is growing and evolving. If it isn't it is dead.

And I won't be a part of something dead because I am a living, breathing, flowing and blossoming person. Simply put I want a partner, not just a boyfriend. I will be 35 in a few months and I must be in a relationship that at least has the potential to become a serious commitment.

I have no idea what to do next…in either case. Obviously time will play out each situation but what do my head and heart do in the mean time? Try to relax and "go with it" I suppose.