Autumn Winds

I am a lover of Autumn (I call it "fall" but apparently no one in Ireland does so) and all it brings with it: cooler temperatures, lingering scents of fallen leaves, slowly fading flowers and grass. This time of year is always a time for reflection, inner dialogues and personal exploration for me.

And as you can imagine this Autumn has been no different. I have made great strides in my goals however (being the penultimate Capricorn Rising that I am) I worry about my next steps instead of enjoying the fruits of my labors.

So for the last week I have focused more on the "now" and less on the "where the f**k am I going next?". It was Reading Week so we had no class and no readings for the week. In essence I had an entirely free week to do as I pleased. So I spent a day or two just hanging out reading books for my essays and doing some "fun" readings as well. I also visited Newgrange and the Hill of Tara; I took a Ghost bus tour of Dublin and went to the cinema for a scary movie marathon on Friday.

And I spent the weekend - the entire weekend - with my boyfriend. I haven't spent that much time with a SO in quite awhile. It was good, really good in fact. We had a quiet day on Saturday. I napped and walked his dog; he worked on his new phone. We went out to a couple of parties on Saturday and then had a leisurely morning/afternoon on Sunday.

In total we spent nearly 48 hours together - good practice for our weekend away. And he didn't get on my nerves which is probably a small miracle.

It was such a good weekend in fact it scared me. I enjoy his company very much, feel quite comfortable with him and generally like him. So why should that be scary? Well I'll tell you why: because it could end. OR (and this is even scarier to me) it could continue and develop into something "serious" (whatever that means).

The latter is the most unsettling because those are rarely-chartered waters for me. I'm accustomed to being "dumped" after a month or two of dating (K and I are coming up on 2 months quite soon) but I haven't been in a long-term relationship in over 10 years. Yes I said 10 years it wasn't a typo. So if this continues (and I am hopeful it will) I will yet again be pushing up against my comfort zone.

Of course that is a positive thing because it signals growth and what is life without growth? It isn't life, it is death. But at the same time there is part of me that is saying "enough already!" to all of this uncomfortable edge stuff.

So I see-saw back and forth between being comfortable with the uncomfortable and resisting it.

But that's fairly natural I would think. And even if it isn't I don't much care. It is how I feel and I am just fine with whatever I feel.

What I have not been comfortable with is my living situation. My roommate is not what I had expected: she is bordering on a control freak. My cleaning is never good enough, she complains I don't communicate with her (which is probably true because I don't particularly like her so I avoid talking with her) and then she complains about the way I do communicate with her (I have sent her texts when I have not been home mainly because I have not been home).

In general it is an uncomfortable place to be so I hide out in my room whenever I am there. And when I'm not I struggle to find a good place to study and eat decent food.

At this point I am counting down the days til Christmas because I know after the holidays it will only be 2 months until I can move out. In the mean time I am finding creative solutions: using the kitchenette on the campus and possibly studying at a friend's house in the city centre during the day. Eating out is getting old but studying at home is not an option - even if I liked my house.

But all of these difficulties and emotional upheavals are temporary. They are part of the waves of life so I must ride them and ride through them. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is this: The only way out is through.

I Would Kill for a Cupcake

Yes I miss cupcakes. There are no such things as gluten-free cupcakes in the stores or coffee shops here. There are gluten-free pastries, cakes, biscuits and crackers of course. But no cupcakes yet...at least none I have found. No doughnuts either. Man I miss Kinnikinnic foods.

And why would I be thinking of cupcakes you might ask? Well to cure my inner ache for my old life in Boulder of course.

I turn to sugar when life gets difficult or when I need a coping mechanism. Not the healthiest route I'll grant you but still better than drugs or random sexual hook-ups I think. And when done in moderation (only once or twice a month) a cupcake fix is not so bad.

However I have been using the sugar fix more often than once or twice a month; it's been more like once or twice a week (if I'm good, if I'm not it has been every other day). I find myself getting cranky when I don't have sugar and I try to find ways to rationalise my fixes. Yep I'm a junkie.

But I am taking steps to cure this. I have switched to Xylitol in my tea (a sugar substitute with the same effects as Stevia: no effects on blood sugar but sweet like sugar) and am planning to have "junk food weekends" for a week or two.

Both of these steps usually help me get back on my usual track of sugar only when I have PMS.

I am also aware enough to know there the emotional cause of my behavior that must be addressed. I'm not sure why sweets seem to fill this void but they do. And that is what I would call the emotional root of my problem: a void. There is a part of me that still does not feel fulfilled and actualized. I'm working on this part but part of my work is to simply allow it be. Allow the void to be a void and not be afraid to go into it, feel around in it and find out what is there.

Ever since I've moved to Ireland it seems as though this void shows up with regularity. It likes to say "hello" often, usually on Sundays when another week has passed and another week looms ahead with the same predictable sequence as the week before: study, class, study, class, study, class, go out, run errands, date night and repeat.

Sounds great in theory but I know there is more to my life here than that repetitive pattern implies. So I am open to the possibilities that may present themselves while staying open to the void.

And when I dive into the void and ride whatever waves are inside I find a much deeper, deeper joy on the other side. The feelings of peace and absolute unconditional love are always there waiting for me. And yet I hesitate before diving and riding the void. I suppose it's a natural part of being human is to fear the unknown, fear the grief and dark places in our souls. Yet as I have said before in this blog there are beyond necessary; they are an absolute requisite for being fully human, fully alive and fully realized.

So when I say I would kill for a cupcake I am really saying I am glad this gnawing is inside of me and making me ache, making me yearn so much part of me wants to stifle it with sugar. But the bigger part of me is pleased to embrace the gnawing, aching to experience the true depths of life.