I Would Kill for a Cupcake

Yes I miss cupcakes. There are no such things as gluten-free cupcakes in the stores or coffee shops here. There are gluten-free pastries, cakes, biscuits and crackers of course. But no cupcakes yet...at least none I have found. No doughnuts either. Man I miss Kinnikinnic foods.

And why would I be thinking of cupcakes you might ask? Well to cure my inner ache for my old life in Boulder of course.

I turn to sugar when life gets difficult or when I need a coping mechanism. Not the healthiest route I'll grant you but still better than drugs or random sexual hook-ups I think. And when done in moderation (only once or twice a month) a cupcake fix is not so bad.

However I have been using the sugar fix more often than once or twice a month; it's been more like once or twice a week (if I'm good, if I'm not it has been every other day). I find myself getting cranky when I don't have sugar and I try to find ways to rationalise my fixes. Yep I'm a junkie.

But I am taking steps to cure this. I have switched to Xylitol in my tea (a sugar substitute with the same effects as Stevia: no effects on blood sugar but sweet like sugar) and am planning to have "junk food weekends" for a week or two.

Both of these steps usually help me get back on my usual track of sugar only when I have PMS.

I am also aware enough to know there the emotional cause of my behavior that must be addressed. I'm not sure why sweets seem to fill this void but they do. And that is what I would call the emotional root of my problem: a void. There is a part of me that still does not feel fulfilled and actualized. I'm working on this part but part of my work is to simply allow it be. Allow the void to be a void and not be afraid to go into it, feel around in it and find out what is there.

Ever since I've moved to Ireland it seems as though this void shows up with regularity. It likes to say "hello" often, usually on Sundays when another week has passed and another week looms ahead with the same predictable sequence as the week before: study, class, study, class, study, class, go out, run errands, date night and repeat.

Sounds great in theory but I know there is more to my life here than that repetitive pattern implies. So I am open to the possibilities that may present themselves while staying open to the void.

And when I dive into the void and ride whatever waves are inside I find a much deeper, deeper joy on the other side. The feelings of peace and absolute unconditional love are always there waiting for me. And yet I hesitate before diving and riding the void. I suppose it's a natural part of being human is to fear the unknown, fear the grief and dark places in our souls. Yet as I have said before in this blog there are beyond necessary; they are an absolute requisite for being fully human, fully alive and fully realized.

So when I say I would kill for a cupcake I am really saying I am glad this gnawing is inside of me and making me ache, making me yearn so much part of me wants to stifle it with sugar. But the bigger part of me is pleased to embrace the gnawing, aching to experience the true depths of life.