Ok I know I haven't blogged much of late but I did write this last month; I meant to post it but just never got around to it. It's a bit of a rant so please bear in mind while you read this entry.
Sometimes people say to me I should be willing to give my birth mother another chance. They say people change, maybe she has changed. And I agree with them - people DO change and they can. Maybe she has changed or maybe if not today one day in the future she will.
But I won't allow her back into my life I tell them. She hasn't earned it.
And sometimes people say to me but she's your mother doesn't she deserve another chance? While that is all well & good I respectively tell them I will not give her another chance. I tell them there is a part of me that will also hope and want desperately to believe she has changed and she will be the mother to me she never was.
And then there is the rest of me. The rest of me that must mother myself, that must release the hurt, the pain, the anger, the rejection and obliteration she caused. And that part of me won't allow her another chance to enter my life. That part of me remembers the decades (nearly two) she had in which to change, in which to step up and become a true mother to me. Hell not even a mother just someone I knew and spent time with consistently.
That same part of me is angry when someone suggests I give her yet another chance. I think (and depending on who I'm speaking with) and say you didn't live through the first 19 years of my life. You didn't live through the years of abandonment, emotional neglect and rejection. You weren't there when she disappeared for years on end with not so much as a letter or phone call. You weren't there when she attempted on several occasions to legally disown me. You weren't there when I had countless terrifying dreams of being abandoned by everyone I love. You weren't there when I suffered debilitating separation anxiety. You weren't there when I sank into such a deep depression I barely had the energy to get out of bed. You weren't there when that depression threatened to suck me under into oblivion and the only thing that stopped it was the thought of losing my beloved brother and sister.
And then I watch their blank stare as they try to comprehend my pain and my loss. I think you don't know what it is like and I am glad you don't. But before I get carried away into self-righteousness I remember that my story is more than just the story of my pain, it is a story of loss, of true love for self, endurance and healing. It is in that moment, in that remembrance that I am grateful for my story and my ability to share it.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I Don't Know What to Do
I don't know what to do next. I am midway through my MA in Women's Studies and it's grand. As of today I have a 3.7 GPA and hopefully will continue in that vein. I'd LOVE to graduate with high honors, it would be incredible.
But what do I do after that? I don't know if I want to pursue my PhD in Women's Studies; it would mean another 3 years of school and could mean an additional $120k in debt unless I find other sources of funding. And I don't know if I want to pursue a higher diploma in Psychology because I'm not 100% sure I can hack it. Some of the classes don't interest me very much (unlike Women's Studies but I've loved every class, even the mere glimmer of each class) and it could mean another $80k in loans unless again I find additional sources of funding.
I know this: I want to help women heal themselves and I want to have my own retreat center in which I do just that. But how do I get there? Can I get there without an education in counseling/psychology? Do I dare???? Is it ethical of me? I don't know and I don't know how to find out.
I am very afraid of going out into the workforce, especially in Ireland, at this time. The economy is shit but my intuitive side says whatever I choice I will be fine because this is my path and my angels/guides/Higher Self will be sure I am taken care of.
I guess it boils down to wanting to know how things will play out. I want this to be a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book so I can skip ahead and check all the outcomes you know?
And to top it off I feel I have come to a turning point in my relationship. We have been together for 5 months (on the 11th) and we still only see each other once a week (usually). And I have not met his family nor his friends. It bothers me and I have expressed this; I have asked for what I want but it doesn't seem to be getting through to him.
Tonight he got defensive when I said I was feeling sad & unimportant because he's going to be gone this weekend so we won't see each other for two weeks. He said I shouldn't feel that way because it wasn't his choice to go away and besides I am going away soon. He said he would make sure we spent time together before I leave.
I was beyond angry when I read his text (he began the conversation via text so that is the way it flowed). My visit to my family is not relevant and he was clearly saying it out of anger, in an attempt to deflect the situation back on to me.
Anyway at this point I want to spend more time with him and for us to get closer; more than want I need it. I need to be in a relationship that is growing and evolving. If it isn't it is dead.
And I won't be a part of something dead because I am a living, breathing, flowing and blossoming person. Simply put I want a partner, not just a boyfriend. I will be 35 in a few months and I must be in a relationship that at least has the potential to become a serious commitment.
I have no idea what to do next…in either case. Obviously time will play out each situation but what do my head and heart do in the mean time? Try to relax and "go with it" I suppose.
But what do I do after that? I don't know if I want to pursue my PhD in Women's Studies; it would mean another 3 years of school and could mean an additional $120k in debt unless I find other sources of funding. And I don't know if I want to pursue a higher diploma in Psychology because I'm not 100% sure I can hack it. Some of the classes don't interest me very much (unlike Women's Studies but I've loved every class, even the mere glimmer of each class) and it could mean another $80k in loans unless again I find additional sources of funding.
I know this: I want to help women heal themselves and I want to have my own retreat center in which I do just that. But how do I get there? Can I get there without an education in counseling/psychology? Do I dare???? Is it ethical of me? I don't know and I don't know how to find out.
I am very afraid of going out into the workforce, especially in Ireland, at this time. The economy is shit but my intuitive side says whatever I choice I will be fine because this is my path and my angels/guides/Higher Self will be sure I am taken care of.
I guess it boils down to wanting to know how things will play out. I want this to be a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book so I can skip ahead and check all the outcomes you know?
And to top it off I feel I have come to a turning point in my relationship. We have been together for 5 months (on the 11th) and we still only see each other once a week (usually). And I have not met his family nor his friends. It bothers me and I have expressed this; I have asked for what I want but it doesn't seem to be getting through to him.
Tonight he got defensive when I said I was feeling sad & unimportant because he's going to be gone this weekend so we won't see each other for two weeks. He said I shouldn't feel that way because it wasn't his choice to go away and besides I am going away soon. He said he would make sure we spent time together before I leave.
I was beyond angry when I read his text (he began the conversation via text so that is the way it flowed). My visit to my family is not relevant and he was clearly saying it out of anger, in an attempt to deflect the situation back on to me.
Anyway at this point I want to spend more time with him and for us to get closer; more than want I need it. I need to be in a relationship that is growing and evolving. If it isn't it is dead.
And I won't be a part of something dead because I am a living, breathing, flowing and blossoming person. Simply put I want a partner, not just a boyfriend. I will be 35 in a few months and I must be in a relationship that at least has the potential to become a serious commitment.
I have no idea what to do next…in either case. Obviously time will play out each situation but what do my head and heart do in the mean time? Try to relax and "go with it" I suppose.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Autumn Winds
I am a lover of Autumn (I call it "fall" but apparently no one in Ireland does so) and all it brings with it: cooler temperatures, lingering scents of fallen leaves, slowly fading flowers and grass. This time of year is always a time for reflection, inner dialogues and personal exploration for me.
And as you can imagine this Autumn has been no different. I have made great strides in my goals however (being the penultimate Capricorn Rising that I am) I worry about my next steps instead of enjoying the fruits of my labors.
So for the last week I have focused more on the "now" and less on the "where the f**k am I going next?". It was Reading Week so we had no class and no readings for the week. In essence I had an entirely free week to do as I pleased. So I spent a day or two just hanging out reading books for my essays and doing some "fun" readings as well. I also visited Newgrange and the Hill of Tara; I took a Ghost bus tour of Dublin and went to the cinema for a scary movie marathon on Friday.
And I spent the weekend - the entire weekend - with my boyfriend. I haven't spent that much time with a SO in quite awhile. It was good, really good in fact. We had a quiet day on Saturday. I napped and walked his dog; he worked on his new phone. We went out to a couple of parties on Saturday and then had a leisurely morning/afternoon on Sunday.
In total we spent nearly 48 hours together - good practice for our weekend away. And he didn't get on my nerves which is probably a small miracle.
It was such a good weekend in fact it scared me. I enjoy his company very much, feel quite comfortable with him and generally like him. So why should that be scary? Well I'll tell you why: because it could end. OR (and this is even scarier to me) it could continue and develop into something "serious" (whatever that means).
The latter is the most unsettling because those are rarely-chartered waters for me. I'm accustomed to being "dumped" after a month or two of dating (K and I are coming up on 2 months quite soon) but I haven't been in a long-term relationship in over 10 years. Yes I said 10 years it wasn't a typo. So if this continues (and I am hopeful it will) I will yet again be pushing up against my comfort zone.
Of course that is a positive thing because it signals growth and what is life without growth? It isn't life, it is death. But at the same time there is part of me that is saying "enough already!" to all of this uncomfortable edge stuff.
So I see-saw back and forth between being comfortable with the uncomfortable and resisting it.
But that's fairly natural I would think. And even if it isn't I don't much care. It is how I feel and I am just fine with whatever I feel.
What I have not been comfortable with is my living situation. My roommate is not what I had expected: she is bordering on a control freak. My cleaning is never good enough, she complains I don't communicate with her (which is probably true because I don't particularly like her so I avoid talking with her) and then she complains about the way I do communicate with her (I have sent her texts when I have not been home mainly because I have not been home).
In general it is an uncomfortable place to be so I hide out in my room whenever I am there. And when I'm not I struggle to find a good place to study and eat decent food.
At this point I am counting down the days til Christmas because I know after the holidays it will only be 2 months until I can move out. In the mean time I am finding creative solutions: using the kitchenette on the campus and possibly studying at a friend's house in the city centre during the day. Eating out is getting old but studying at home is not an option - even if I liked my house.
But all of these difficulties and emotional upheavals are temporary. They are part of the waves of life so I must ride them and ride through them. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is this: The only way out is through.
And as you can imagine this Autumn has been no different. I have made great strides in my goals however (being the penultimate Capricorn Rising that I am) I worry about my next steps instead of enjoying the fruits of my labors.
So for the last week I have focused more on the "now" and less on the "where the f**k am I going next?". It was Reading Week so we had no class and no readings for the week. In essence I had an entirely free week to do as I pleased. So I spent a day or two just hanging out reading books for my essays and doing some "fun" readings as well. I also visited Newgrange and the Hill of Tara; I took a Ghost bus tour of Dublin and went to the cinema for a scary movie marathon on Friday.
And I spent the weekend - the entire weekend - with my boyfriend. I haven't spent that much time with a SO in quite awhile. It was good, really good in fact. We had a quiet day on Saturday. I napped and walked his dog; he worked on his new phone. We went out to a couple of parties on Saturday and then had a leisurely morning/afternoon on Sunday.
In total we spent nearly 48 hours together - good practice for our weekend away. And he didn't get on my nerves which is probably a small miracle.
It was such a good weekend in fact it scared me. I enjoy his company very much, feel quite comfortable with him and generally like him. So why should that be scary? Well I'll tell you why: because it could end. OR (and this is even scarier to me) it could continue and develop into something "serious" (whatever that means).
The latter is the most unsettling because those are rarely-chartered waters for me. I'm accustomed to being "dumped" after a month or two of dating (K and I are coming up on 2 months quite soon) but I haven't been in a long-term relationship in over 10 years. Yes I said 10 years it wasn't a typo. So if this continues (and I am hopeful it will) I will yet again be pushing up against my comfort zone.
Of course that is a positive thing because it signals growth and what is life without growth? It isn't life, it is death. But at the same time there is part of me that is saying "enough already!" to all of this uncomfortable edge stuff.
So I see-saw back and forth between being comfortable with the uncomfortable and resisting it.
But that's fairly natural I would think. And even if it isn't I don't much care. It is how I feel and I am just fine with whatever I feel.
What I have not been comfortable with is my living situation. My roommate is not what I had expected: she is bordering on a control freak. My cleaning is never good enough, she complains I don't communicate with her (which is probably true because I don't particularly like her so I avoid talking with her) and then she complains about the way I do communicate with her (I have sent her texts when I have not been home mainly because I have not been home).
In general it is an uncomfortable place to be so I hide out in my room whenever I am there. And when I'm not I struggle to find a good place to study and eat decent food.
At this point I am counting down the days til Christmas because I know after the holidays it will only be 2 months until I can move out. In the mean time I am finding creative solutions: using the kitchenette on the campus and possibly studying at a friend's house in the city centre during the day. Eating out is getting old but studying at home is not an option - even if I liked my house.
But all of these difficulties and emotional upheavals are temporary. They are part of the waves of life so I must ride them and ride through them. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is this: The only way out is through.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I Would Kill for a Cupcake
Yes I miss cupcakes. There are no such things as gluten-free cupcakes in the stores or coffee shops here. There are gluten-free pastries, cakes, biscuits and crackers of course. But no cupcakes yet...at least none I have found. No doughnuts either. Man I miss Kinnikinnic foods.
And why would I be thinking of cupcakes you might ask? Well to cure my inner ache for my old life in Boulder of course.
I turn to sugar when life gets difficult or when I need a coping mechanism. Not the healthiest route I'll grant you but still better than drugs or random sexual hook-ups I think. And when done in moderation (only once or twice a month) a cupcake fix is not so bad.
However I have been using the sugar fix more often than once or twice a month; it's been more like once or twice a week (if I'm good, if I'm not it has been every other day). I find myself getting cranky when I don't have sugar and I try to find ways to rationalise my fixes. Yep I'm a junkie.
But I am taking steps to cure this. I have switched to Xylitol in my tea (a sugar substitute with the same effects as Stevia: no effects on blood sugar but sweet like sugar) and am planning to have "junk food weekends" for a week or two.
Both of these steps usually help me get back on my usual track of sugar only when I have PMS.
I am also aware enough to know there the emotional cause of my behavior that must be addressed. I'm not sure why sweets seem to fill this void but they do. And that is what I would call the emotional root of my problem: a void. There is a part of me that still does not feel fulfilled and actualized. I'm working on this part but part of my work is to simply allow it be. Allow the void to be a void and not be afraid to go into it, feel around in it and find out what is there.
Ever since I've moved to Ireland it seems as though this void shows up with regularity. It likes to say "hello" often, usually on Sundays when another week has passed and another week looms ahead with the same predictable sequence as the week before: study, class, study, class, study, class, go out, run errands, date night and repeat.
Sounds great in theory but I know there is more to my life here than that repetitive pattern implies. So I am open to the possibilities that may present themselves while staying open to the void.
And when I dive into the void and ride whatever waves are inside I find a much deeper, deeper joy on the other side. The feelings of peace and absolute unconditional love are always there waiting for me. And yet I hesitate before diving and riding the void. I suppose it's a natural part of being human is to fear the unknown, fear the grief and dark places in our souls. Yet as I have said before in this blog there are beyond necessary; they are an absolute requisite for being fully human, fully alive and fully realized.
So when I say I would kill for a cupcake I am really saying I am glad this gnawing is inside of me and making me ache, making me yearn so much part of me wants to stifle it with sugar. But the bigger part of me is pleased to embrace the gnawing, aching to experience the true depths of life.
And why would I be thinking of cupcakes you might ask? Well to cure my inner ache for my old life in Boulder of course.
I turn to sugar when life gets difficult or when I need a coping mechanism. Not the healthiest route I'll grant you but still better than drugs or random sexual hook-ups I think. And when done in moderation (only once or twice a month) a cupcake fix is not so bad.
However I have been using the sugar fix more often than once or twice a month; it's been more like once or twice a week (if I'm good, if I'm not it has been every other day). I find myself getting cranky when I don't have sugar and I try to find ways to rationalise my fixes. Yep I'm a junkie.
But I am taking steps to cure this. I have switched to Xylitol in my tea (a sugar substitute with the same effects as Stevia: no effects on blood sugar but sweet like sugar) and am planning to have "junk food weekends" for a week or two.
Both of these steps usually help me get back on my usual track of sugar only when I have PMS.
I am also aware enough to know there the emotional cause of my behavior that must be addressed. I'm not sure why sweets seem to fill this void but they do. And that is what I would call the emotional root of my problem: a void. There is a part of me that still does not feel fulfilled and actualized. I'm working on this part but part of my work is to simply allow it be. Allow the void to be a void and not be afraid to go into it, feel around in it and find out what is there.
Ever since I've moved to Ireland it seems as though this void shows up with regularity. It likes to say "hello" often, usually on Sundays when another week has passed and another week looms ahead with the same predictable sequence as the week before: study, class, study, class, study, class, go out, run errands, date night and repeat.
Sounds great in theory but I know there is more to my life here than that repetitive pattern implies. So I am open to the possibilities that may present themselves while staying open to the void.
And when I dive into the void and ride whatever waves are inside I find a much deeper, deeper joy on the other side. The feelings of peace and absolute unconditional love are always there waiting for me. And yet I hesitate before diving and riding the void. I suppose it's a natural part of being human is to fear the unknown, fear the grief and dark places in our souls. Yet as I have said before in this blog there are beyond necessary; they are an absolute requisite for being fully human, fully alive and fully realized.
So when I say I would kill for a cupcake I am really saying I am glad this gnawing is inside of me and making me ache, making me yearn so much part of me wants to stifle it with sugar. But the bigger part of me is pleased to embrace the gnawing, aching to experience the true depths of life.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
7 Weeks In
So I've been here for nearly 7 weeks now (feels like 7 months in many ways) and have to say I am enjoying nearly all aspects of my life. I love my classes, I love my neighbourhood but I hate my neighbor (he is a loud, inconsiderate ass) and I generally love all the areas of my life.
I'm even dating someone. I think it may a full-fledged relationship at this point which is something I haven't had in years - make that a decade. I've dated plenty but nothing has lasted longer than a few months in those 10 years. I think I'm due!
Even though all is going well I still have moments of sadness and homesickness. In fact it often happens when everything is going super great. Wonderful things happen and I want so much to share them with my closest friends and family...and then I remember how far away everyone is. I miss just texting a friend to tell them about the crazy experience I just had or the crazy person I just saw. And let me tell you there is plenty of crazy in Dublin. Ha! :)
Of course that grief is to be expected and I welcome it. It shows me how much love I have shared and how deep my feelings for everyone run. Missing people is bittersweet in that respect.
In time I'm sure my friendships here will be strong and will grow to a similar intimate level of sharing. And that will be fine too. The key is to remember friends from every part of my life and keep them in my heart. To keep them dancing in my thoughts and hold them in a warm embrace even if that embrace is only in my meditation.
Til then I'll let love shine through as often as I can and embrace all parts of my life from the wretched morning I'm having at the Immigration offices to the wonderful laughter of new friends and the warm memories of old friends.
I'm even dating someone. I think it may a full-fledged relationship at this point which is something I haven't had in years - make that a decade. I've dated plenty but nothing has lasted longer than a few months in those 10 years. I think I'm due!
Even though all is going well I still have moments of sadness and homesickness. In fact it often happens when everything is going super great. Wonderful things happen and I want so much to share them with my closest friends and family...and then I remember how far away everyone is. I miss just texting a friend to tell them about the crazy experience I just had or the crazy person I just saw. And let me tell you there is plenty of crazy in Dublin. Ha! :)
Of course that grief is to be expected and I welcome it. It shows me how much love I have shared and how deep my feelings for everyone run. Missing people is bittersweet in that respect.
In time I'm sure my friendships here will be strong and will grow to a similar intimate level of sharing. And that will be fine too. The key is to remember friends from every part of my life and keep them in my heart. To keep them dancing in my thoughts and hold them in a warm embrace even if that embrace is only in my meditation.
Til then I'll let love shine through as often as I can and embrace all parts of my life from the wretched morning I'm having at the Immigration offices to the wonderful laughter of new friends and the warm memories of old friends.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
And one more thing...
I met a boy. :) He was at a social gathering I went to on Saturday and we hit it off. We exchanged phone numbers and we went out later that night.
Apparently dating in Ireland is a bit different: you sort of hang out a few times and you are together. You generally don't date anyone else, people become exclusively relatively quickly but without a lot of pretense. So after 5 weeks here I think I may have myself a boyfriend.
He seems pretty terrific but I suppose time will tell won't it?! Ah life, what a crazy ride it is.
Apparently dating in Ireland is a bit different: you sort of hang out a few times and you are together. You generally don't date anyone else, people become exclusively relatively quickly but without a lot of pretense. So after 5 weeks here I think I may have myself a boyfriend.
He seems pretty terrific but I suppose time will tell won't it?! Ah life, what a crazy ride it is.
Ch ch changes!
My oh my what a time it has been! Since my last post I have moved, twice. I moved into a shared room and quickly moved out the next day. The landlord of the place I was supposed to move into (the one I mentioned in my last entry) rented BOTH of the locations he had showed me.
Naturally he didn't tell me any of this until 6pm on the night I was moving out. He didn't give me any other options but to move into a shared room. I called a few B&Bs but people either didn't pick up the phone or had a full house for the weekend.
So after listening to him berate me for not wanting to live in a shared bedroom I finally agreed to go there for a week. He was an absolute ass about the whole thing.
In fact when he picked me up to take me to the new place he made a comment about how my theory on what I wanted in a living situation was a lot like my pants: it had a hole in it.
I just kept my mouth shut and tolerated him because I didn't have many other options.
So when I arrived at the house I discovered the room was shared with not just one person but THREE. Three people in a bedroom. Mind you it was a good-sized room but still. And he knew it but didn't feel it was necessary to share that information with me. What a fuckin' wanker.
Eventually I settled in for the night (after the wanker landlord made me go to the movies with him...happily he paid for everything but it was a stupid movie, "Dinner with the Schmucks") and tried to go to sleep.
The three German kids living in the room went out as it was a Sat night. They came home around 2am, after I just started to fall asleep.
They were kind enough to be quiet while they got ready for bed but I still woke up. And worst of all? When they did go to sleep one of them snored. At least one of them, it may have been two.
Needless to say I didn't fall asleep til 6am when I turned on my iTunes and used my earphones to drown out the snoring with gentle classical music.
I decided I couldn't handle this and I was moving out the next day; I need my sleep. So after looking at temporary accommodations on Daft, I got out of bed to get ready for the day.
And lo and behold there was a couple sleeping nude in the other bed. Well by sleeping I mean they were in bed together.
Then I was just angry. I wasn't angry at the couple so much as the landlord. He knew there were multiple people in that room but he didn't think it was important to tell me. OR he knew I'd throw a fit and decided to avoid having that conversation with me.
So that sealed the deal for me. I lined up a B&B to stay at from Wednesday onward and my friends were kind enough to take me in from Sunday til Wednesday morning.
And now I'm still at the B&B! It's a lovely little place in Drumcondra with a sweet owner who has taken good care of me. She has taken me in until Friday and then I must find a home!
Since moving in here I have sorted my loan situation, gotten my deposit and rent money back from Goatstown, registered for classes and am beginning classes today.
Although I haven't found a long-term home yet I am on the hunt. I have viewed nearly a dozen apartments/homes/etc. None have been just right - some are in areas I didn't like, others are too small with no space for studying, other people have chosen to let to someone else and yet others have no bathtub, crummy kitchen, etc.
Generally any place I have vetoed has had a combination of things wrong with it. I'm not dismissing them all out of hand, they each have their merits but those merits haven't held up against their demerits.
So now I'm off to class this afternoon and am seeing two places tonight. I am hopeful about each of these. They are in good locations, have multiple bathrooms, study areas/large bedrooms and the people living there seem friendly enough. Not everyone welcomes grad students, even students as old as I.
Wish me luck!
Naturally he didn't tell me any of this until 6pm on the night I was moving out. He didn't give me any other options but to move into a shared room. I called a few B&Bs but people either didn't pick up the phone or had a full house for the weekend.
So after listening to him berate me for not wanting to live in a shared bedroom I finally agreed to go there for a week. He was an absolute ass about the whole thing.
In fact when he picked me up to take me to the new place he made a comment about how my theory on what I wanted in a living situation was a lot like my pants: it had a hole in it.
I just kept my mouth shut and tolerated him because I didn't have many other options.
So when I arrived at the house I discovered the room was shared with not just one person but THREE. Three people in a bedroom. Mind you it was a good-sized room but still. And he knew it but didn't feel it was necessary to share that information with me. What a fuckin' wanker.
Eventually I settled in for the night (after the wanker landlord made me go to the movies with him...happily he paid for everything but it was a stupid movie, "Dinner with the Schmucks") and tried to go to sleep.
The three German kids living in the room went out as it was a Sat night. They came home around 2am, after I just started to fall asleep.
They were kind enough to be quiet while they got ready for bed but I still woke up. And worst of all? When they did go to sleep one of them snored. At least one of them, it may have been two.
Needless to say I didn't fall asleep til 6am when I turned on my iTunes and used my earphones to drown out the snoring with gentle classical music.
I decided I couldn't handle this and I was moving out the next day; I need my sleep. So after looking at temporary accommodations on Daft, I got out of bed to get ready for the day.
And lo and behold there was a couple sleeping nude in the other bed. Well by sleeping I mean they were in bed together.
Then I was just angry. I wasn't angry at the couple so much as the landlord. He knew there were multiple people in that room but he didn't think it was important to tell me. OR he knew I'd throw a fit and decided to avoid having that conversation with me.
So that sealed the deal for me. I lined up a B&B to stay at from Wednesday onward and my friends were kind enough to take me in from Sunday til Wednesday morning.
And now I'm still at the B&B! It's a lovely little place in Drumcondra with a sweet owner who has taken good care of me. She has taken me in until Friday and then I must find a home!
Since moving in here I have sorted my loan situation, gotten my deposit and rent money back from Goatstown, registered for classes and am beginning classes today.
Although I haven't found a long-term home yet I am on the hunt. I have viewed nearly a dozen apartments/homes/etc. None have been just right - some are in areas I didn't like, others are too small with no space for studying, other people have chosen to let to someone else and yet others have no bathtub, crummy kitchen, etc.
Generally any place I have vetoed has had a combination of things wrong with it. I'm not dismissing them all out of hand, they each have their merits but those merits haven't held up against their demerits.
So now I'm off to class this afternoon and am seeing two places tonight. I am hopeful about each of these. They are in good locations, have multiple bathrooms, study areas/large bedrooms and the people living there seem friendly enough. Not everyone welcomes grad students, even students as old as I.
Wish me luck!
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