Autumn Winds

I am a lover of Autumn (I call it "fall" but apparently no one in Ireland does so) and all it brings with it: cooler temperatures, lingering scents of fallen leaves, slowly fading flowers and grass. This time of year is always a time for reflection, inner dialogues and personal exploration for me.

And as you can imagine this Autumn has been no different. I have made great strides in my goals however (being the penultimate Capricorn Rising that I am) I worry about my next steps instead of enjoying the fruits of my labors.

So for the last week I have focused more on the "now" and less on the "where the f**k am I going next?". It was Reading Week so we had no class and no readings for the week. In essence I had an entirely free week to do as I pleased. So I spent a day or two just hanging out reading books for my essays and doing some "fun" readings as well. I also visited Newgrange and the Hill of Tara; I took a Ghost bus tour of Dublin and went to the cinema for a scary movie marathon on Friday.

And I spent the weekend - the entire weekend - with my boyfriend. I haven't spent that much time with a SO in quite awhile. It was good, really good in fact. We had a quiet day on Saturday. I napped and walked his dog; he worked on his new phone. We went out to a couple of parties on Saturday and then had a leisurely morning/afternoon on Sunday.

In total we spent nearly 48 hours together - good practice for our weekend away. And he didn't get on my nerves which is probably a small miracle.

It was such a good weekend in fact it scared me. I enjoy his company very much, feel quite comfortable with him and generally like him. So why should that be scary? Well I'll tell you why: because it could end. OR (and this is even scarier to me) it could continue and develop into something "serious" (whatever that means).

The latter is the most unsettling because those are rarely-chartered waters for me. I'm accustomed to being "dumped" after a month or two of dating (K and I are coming up on 2 months quite soon) but I haven't been in a long-term relationship in over 10 years. Yes I said 10 years it wasn't a typo. So if this continues (and I am hopeful it will) I will yet again be pushing up against my comfort zone.

Of course that is a positive thing because it signals growth and what is life without growth? It isn't life, it is death. But at the same time there is part of me that is saying "enough already!" to all of this uncomfortable edge stuff.

So I see-saw back and forth between being comfortable with the uncomfortable and resisting it.

But that's fairly natural I would think. And even if it isn't I don't much care. It is how I feel and I am just fine with whatever I feel.

What I have not been comfortable with is my living situation. My roommate is not what I had expected: she is bordering on a control freak. My cleaning is never good enough, she complains I don't communicate with her (which is probably true because I don't particularly like her so I avoid talking with her) and then she complains about the way I do communicate with her (I have sent her texts when I have not been home mainly because I have not been home).

In general it is an uncomfortable place to be so I hide out in my room whenever I am there. And when I'm not I struggle to find a good place to study and eat decent food.

At this point I am counting down the days til Christmas because I know after the holidays it will only be 2 months until I can move out. In the mean time I am finding creative solutions: using the kitchenette on the campus and possibly studying at a friend's house in the city centre during the day. Eating out is getting old but studying at home is not an option - even if I liked my house.

But all of these difficulties and emotional upheavals are temporary. They are part of the waves of life so I must ride them and ride through them. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is this: The only way out is through.

I Would Kill for a Cupcake

Yes I miss cupcakes. There are no such things as gluten-free cupcakes in the stores or coffee shops here. There are gluten-free pastries, cakes, biscuits and crackers of course. But no cupcakes yet...at least none I have found. No doughnuts either. Man I miss Kinnikinnic foods.

And why would I be thinking of cupcakes you might ask? Well to cure my inner ache for my old life in Boulder of course.

I turn to sugar when life gets difficult or when I need a coping mechanism. Not the healthiest route I'll grant you but still better than drugs or random sexual hook-ups I think. And when done in moderation (only once or twice a month) a cupcake fix is not so bad.

However I have been using the sugar fix more often than once or twice a month; it's been more like once or twice a week (if I'm good, if I'm not it has been every other day). I find myself getting cranky when I don't have sugar and I try to find ways to rationalise my fixes. Yep I'm a junkie.

But I am taking steps to cure this. I have switched to Xylitol in my tea (a sugar substitute with the same effects as Stevia: no effects on blood sugar but sweet like sugar) and am planning to have "junk food weekends" for a week or two.

Both of these steps usually help me get back on my usual track of sugar only when I have PMS.

I am also aware enough to know there the emotional cause of my behavior that must be addressed. I'm not sure why sweets seem to fill this void but they do. And that is what I would call the emotional root of my problem: a void. There is a part of me that still does not feel fulfilled and actualized. I'm working on this part but part of my work is to simply allow it be. Allow the void to be a void and not be afraid to go into it, feel around in it and find out what is there.

Ever since I've moved to Ireland it seems as though this void shows up with regularity. It likes to say "hello" often, usually on Sundays when another week has passed and another week looms ahead with the same predictable sequence as the week before: study, class, study, class, study, class, go out, run errands, date night and repeat.

Sounds great in theory but I know there is more to my life here than that repetitive pattern implies. So I am open to the possibilities that may present themselves while staying open to the void.

And when I dive into the void and ride whatever waves are inside I find a much deeper, deeper joy on the other side. The feelings of peace and absolute unconditional love are always there waiting for me. And yet I hesitate before diving and riding the void. I suppose it's a natural part of being human is to fear the unknown, fear the grief and dark places in our souls. Yet as I have said before in this blog there are beyond necessary; they are an absolute requisite for being fully human, fully alive and fully realized.

So when I say I would kill for a cupcake I am really saying I am glad this gnawing is inside of me and making me ache, making me yearn so much part of me wants to stifle it with sugar. But the bigger part of me is pleased to embrace the gnawing, aching to experience the true depths of life.

7 Weeks In

So I've been here for nearly 7 weeks now (feels like 7 months in many ways) and have to say I am enjoying nearly all aspects of my life. I love my classes, I love my neighbourhood but I hate my neighbor (he is a loud, inconsiderate ass) and I generally love all the areas of my life.

I'm even dating someone. I think it may a full-fledged relationship at this point which is something I haven't had in years - make that a decade. I've dated plenty but nothing has lasted longer than a few months in those 10 years. I think I'm due!

Even though all is going well I still have moments of sadness and homesickness. In fact it often happens when everything is going super great. Wonderful things happen and I want so much to share them with my closest friends and family...and then I remember how far away everyone is. I miss just texting a friend to tell them about the crazy experience I just had or the crazy person I just saw. And let me tell you there is plenty of crazy in Dublin. Ha! :)

Of course that grief is to be expected and I welcome it. It shows me how much love I have shared and how deep my feelings for everyone run. Missing people is bittersweet in that respect.

In time I'm sure my friendships here will be strong and will grow to a similar intimate level of sharing. And that will be fine too. The key is to remember friends from every part of my life and keep them in my heart. To keep them dancing in my thoughts and hold them in a warm embrace even if that embrace is only in my meditation.

Til then I'll let love shine through as often as I can and embrace all parts of my life from the wretched morning I'm having at the Immigration offices to the wonderful laughter of new friends and the warm memories of old friends.

And one more thing...

I met a boy. :) He was at a social gathering I went to on Saturday and we hit it off. We exchanged phone numbers and we went out later that night.

Apparently dating in Ireland is a bit different: you sort of hang out a few times and you are together. You generally don't date anyone else, people become exclusively relatively quickly but without a lot of pretense. So after 5 weeks here I think I may have myself a boyfriend.

He seems pretty terrific but I suppose time will tell won't it?! Ah life, what a crazy ride it is.

Ch ch changes!

My oh my what a time it has been! Since my last post I have moved, twice. I moved into a shared room and quickly moved out the next day. The landlord of the place I was supposed to move into (the one I mentioned in my last entry) rented BOTH of the locations he had showed me.

Naturally he didn't tell me any of this until 6pm on the night I was moving out. He didn't give me any other options but to move into a shared room. I called a few B&Bs but people either didn't pick up the phone or had a full house for the weekend.

So after listening to him berate me for not wanting to live in a shared bedroom I finally agreed to go there for a week. He was an absolute ass about the whole thing.

In fact when he picked me up to take me to the new place he made a comment about how my theory on what I wanted in a living situation was a lot like my pants: it had a hole in it.

I just kept my mouth shut and tolerated him because I didn't have many other options.

So when I arrived at the house I discovered the room was shared with not just one person but THREE. Three people in a bedroom. Mind you it was a good-sized room but still. And he knew it but didn't feel it was necessary to share that information with me. What a fuckin' wanker.

Eventually I settled in for the night (after the wanker landlord made me go to the movies with him...happily he paid for everything but it was a stupid movie, "Dinner with the Schmucks") and tried to go to sleep.

The three German kids living in the room went out as it was a Sat night. They came home around 2am, after I just started to fall asleep.

They were kind enough to be quiet while they got ready for bed but I still woke up. And worst of all? When they did go to sleep one of them snored. At least one of them, it may have been two.

Needless to say I didn't fall asleep til 6am when I turned on my iTunes and used my earphones to drown out the snoring with gentle classical music.

I decided I couldn't handle this and I was moving out the next day; I need my sleep. So after looking at temporary accommodations on Daft, I got out of bed to get ready for the day.

And lo and behold there was a couple sleeping nude in the other bed. Well by sleeping I mean they were in bed together.

Then I was just angry. I wasn't angry at the couple so much as the landlord. He knew there were multiple people in that room but he didn't think it was important to tell me. OR he knew I'd throw a fit and decided to avoid having that conversation with me.

So that sealed the deal for me. I lined up a B&B to stay at from Wednesday onward and my friends were kind enough to take me in from Sunday til Wednesday morning.

And now I'm still at the B&B! It's a lovely little place in Drumcondra with a sweet owner who has taken good care of me. She has taken me in until Friday and then I must find a home!

Since moving in here I have sorted my loan situation, gotten my deposit and rent money back from Goatstown, registered for classes and am beginning classes today.

Although I haven't found a long-term home yet I am on the hunt. I have viewed nearly a dozen apartments/homes/etc. None have been just right - some are in areas I didn't like, others are too small with no space for studying, other people have chosen to let to someone else and yet others have no bathtub, crummy kitchen, etc.

Generally any place I have vetoed has had a combination of things wrong with it. I'm not dismissing them all out of hand, they each have their merits but those merits haven't held up against their demerits.

So now I'm off to class this afternoon and am seeing two places tonight. I am hopeful about each of these. They are in good locations, have multiple bathrooms, study areas/large bedrooms and the people living there seem friendly enough. Not everyone welcomes grad students, even students as old as I.

Wish me luck!

An absolute mess

Today I sit in my soon-to-be-old room with my bags packed (including my refrigerated M&S bag of cold foods) waiting for someone to pick me up and drive me to my temporary home.

That temporary home will most likely be an even shorter-term let then expected; the landlord has already let the place I was supposed to move into and now he is saying he probably has people lined up for the place I am going to today. So I may have a place to stay for a night, maybe two if I'm lucky.

After that? Who the fuck knows. (Yeah I dropped the F bomb, that's how pissed off I am.) I'm beyond frustrated. This has become one gigantic cosmic joke but no one has told me the punchline.

I have reached my limit. My tolerance and patience level is zero. I cannot handle any more stress. NONE. My body is constantly overwrought with stress and my mind can barely stop worrying for more than a few minutes. Meditation doesn't help, chocolate doesn't help, even sleep doesn't help because I have frightening dreams.

I am beginning to wonder if this was worth it. I wonder if I should have bothered with any of this.

My entire week was spent fretting over when my loan money would be available to me and when I could register for classes. I didn't know anything until Friday afternoon and the end date was announced: Monday September 13th. 9 days from now. 9 days!

I have been living on 2 paychecks since the first week of August. Those paychecks are gone and I have now had to charge my groceries on my American credit cards which means international usage fees...and MORE debt. I hate debt like this: it's stupid and pointless. Debt for a home = fine. Debt for school = fine. Credit card? Stupid.

But at least I have the option and will pay off much of the balance when my loans are available to me (loans can be used for travel and school-related expenses so I can pay off anything I've had to spend to get here).

And I can register for classes next week so that's a plus. Hopefully I'll have a place to shower then so I can go to class and not smell like a homeless person.

Clearly things are turning around albeit quite slowly. Maybe it's a bit like a snowball that's just started rolling downhill and is gaining momentum. Just a tiny bit more and it will pick up the speed necessary to be at full throttle.

Heaven above I hope so because I've had about all I can manage without eating an entire box of chocolate bars and several hours of Buffy reruns.

The week in review

I'll do my best to post a quick recap every week of what I did, what happened, my thoughts, feelings etc. It'll be fairly short right now as not much is going on but as the school year progresses these should become even more interesting. :)

And please pardon the abbreviations and improper grammar.

Saturday - found Temple Bar Food Market (aka farmer's market), was in heaven despite massive throngs of people who can't say "pardon" or "sorry" or "excuse me". Bought trashy chic novel (read all week, cried every night), went to Meetup.com coffee chat, met nice people but weirdos too. Went home, ate chocolate and watched Dexter.

Sunday - watched too many epis of Dexter, eat 2 choc bars after phone call with sister, feel so sad and miss family so much = loads of chocolate.

Monday - not much going on...went to the fruit store (fruit & veg place about 20 min away) and bought some apples. Watched lots of TV - so dull.

Tuesday - was fortunate enough to receive a small loan from my former boss...had enough $$ for rent of course but barely any for food and none for going out. lifted my spirits in a BIG way.

Wednesday - saw cousin and other cousin (and her family), spent a few hours in Dublin with cousin and cousin's friend (who has also lived in Boulder!). Was so lovely to discover am not only one who thinks washing machine and ovens are completely stupid here. Images on said appliances must have been created by fluent Sanskrit linguist as make no sense to average person.

Thursday - walked to UCD. Discovered takes 25 min to get to my side of campus, am not pleased. Dropped off original transcripts, worried girl will f**k up and file them improperly (didn't seem overly bright), tried to find International advisor but couldn't, couldn't find Women's Studies offices either, left feeling dismayed. Ate loads of chocolate and watched epis of Buffy and Dexter.

Friday - tried to mail letter, Post office not open even though during normal biz hours (typical Irish), bought more chocolate at Lidl, paid Sept rent and told roommate am moving out at EOM to live nearer the city, feel guilty so eat more chocolate.

Stay tuned for more kids! Love you.

Me first

So today I made the big decision to move...again. I've decided this house just isn't right for me: the location is somewhat inconvenient (25 min bus to the city, 25 min walk to my classes), the house is old, cold and dirty (clearly college kids have lived here for years and have not cared about the upkeep - my Venusian side is disgusted and my Saturnian influence is incensed) and there are spiders as big as my hand all over!

Okay that last bit wasn't a deal-breaker but the first two really bother me. When I lived in Boulder I lived in 3 places: one house and 2 condos. The house was not clean (again no one cared about it) but the condos were very nice. This house is not.

And I could live with that IF it were close to the city centre. It is not. Nor is it close to campus. So it's inconvenient for both my academic and my social life.

Anyway enough complaining and enough bitching is what I told myself. Do something to change that! So I tried cleaning, I tried picking up the useless junk laying around and tried enjoying the garden (it's really a yard but all yards are called gardens here). None of that helped. In fact it made things worse.

So even though I felt I was going back on my word and I was going to disappoint my one roommate (the other 3 haven't moved in yet or are gone for the summer) I decided to move out.

I haven't signed a lease so I gave him a month's notice. I could tell he was upset and disappointed; I do feel guilty for that but his temporary feelings will rebound. My spirit and my heart deserve to be acknowledged and honored: they said get yourself a new place to live! So I am. :)

The one very valuable lesson I have learned from this? Listen to yourself - above all others - listen to yourself. Your heart is telling you what you need to know so just shut up and listen.

Hopefully it'll work out for me. ;) I think it will!

The emotional side of things

My last post I wrote about the physical experiences of "The Move" - traveling to and fro, getting lost several times a day (now it only happens about once a day or every other day) and eventually settling on a place to live.

Today I'll share the emotional experience of moving to Ireland.

It's been hard, difficult, challenging and exhausting on an emotional and physical level. And those adjectives don't fully describe the depth of my experiences but they'll have to suffice.

There is next to nothing familiar in my life right now. With the exception of some American television shows I am besieged with "newness" every moment of the day.

The markets and shopping centres are all new to me. The people are new to me. The accents are new to me. The language is new to me (there are phrases used in European English that are very different than US English). The city is new to me. The houses are new to me.

For some the newness would be exhilarating and exciting. It is on some level but on other levels I'm overwhelmed by it. I feel as though I'm swimming in a tremendous ocean with waves crashing down over me; I'm barely keeping my head above water.

But I am keeping my head above water and that's what matters. I am managing even if I am not yet thriving. I've been in Ireland for all of 15 days and I've done well.

Even if I feel lonely, tired, cranky and frustrated for most of the day I can still remember that I have come this far and so I will continue on. I will persevere, I will explore, I will make new friends and I will succeed.

I have only managed to get this far with guidance and protection from the Universe. So even though I'm worried about money running out before my loans are processed I trust I will be okay. I trust I will make friends, enjoy the city and become a successful ex-pat in this beautiful country.

And the process of doing all of those things is embracing the loneliness, the sadness and the grief. I must let my heart miss my dear friends in Boulder, my family in Wisconsin and my life back in the US.

Things are different now and on some level so I am. But I still carry with me all the love, joy, blessings and goodness bestowed on me from my Boulder life.

For now I am content to ride the waves and embrace ALL emotions I feel.

And one thing I have learned is life is not about experiencing joy all the time. It is about knowing there is a time for sadness as well as a time for happiness. There is a time for discontent as well as a time for peace. There is love and there is light but there is also pain and darkness.

And until we each embrace both sides of every experience we cannot become fully human. It is only in our darkest moments that space inside of us opens to allow in more light.

If you don't feel grief how can your tears wash away sadness? If that sadness isn't washed away how can your heart fully express Universal Love and Ecstasy? It cannot.

Your heart is still covered in tears so let the tears fall, let them cleanse and release you. On the other side there is even greater joy than you can ever have imagined.

I am beginning to live this philosophy and it has made all the difference. Life becomes more elegantly lived - life becomes an ocean wave.

So embrace the waves my friends and in it you will find all life has to offer.

The first few days

Well I've been in Ireland for 9 days and they have been a whirlwind of activity, people, experiences and emotions. I hope I can capture everything in these posts.

I arrived on Friday August 5th after a long flight with no sleep in an uncomfortable seat. One day I will fly first class and have a reclining chair with a foot rest. I can't seem to sleep if my feet aren't elevated - weird but true.

The next few days I spent with my friend's friends. They took me to look at the UCD campus where I will be attending class; we drove through neighborhoods around the school and then went to Howth, a city by the sea. We walked along the beach, watched sea lions and ate tapas.

They were kind enough to let share their home and their food with me. To repay them I agreed to watch their cats while they are away for a week. But to give them some peace and quiet before their trip I went to the Aran Islands for 3 days.

And that is when I remembered my love of Ireland! Despite being on a cramped, smelly bus for 4 hours I marveled at the green countryside, the rolling hills and the stone walls. To say it is beautiful is an understatement.

From there it only got better. After a short stay in Galway I hopped a bus to Rossaveal, the port where ferry boats scoot you to the islands. It was during this bumpy hour-long ride to the ferry that I remembered the golden rule of travel: don't drink a lot of water before getting on a bus!

After that problem was resolved I landed on Inish Moir, the largest of the 3 Aran Islands.

Again to say the Aran Islands are beautiful isn't doing them justice. They are quiet, peaceful, low-key and comforting. The rocky terrain dots the landscape along with goats and horses.

There are small churches, forts and majestic cliffs. It is a spectacular place.

I was fortunate enough to stay with my friend who runs a hostel on the island. We went on numerous hikes (even though all I brought were my walking boots), had some dinner at the pub, met some locals and generally had some laughs.

Staying at the hostel I met people from all around Europe and one from the US. It was good fun! (As soon as I have pictures I'll share them).

After 3 days I took the same route back - ferry to Rossaveal, bus to Galway and another bus to Dublin. It took roughly 6.5 hours total which means I was exhausted when I got back to the city. But I felt thoroughly refreshed so it was worth it!

That night I met up with my friend's friend. He moved from Boulder to Dublin about a year ago; it was terrific to chat with someone from home!

Eventually I made my way back to Rathgar (where I'm staying) and got down to the business of finding a long-term living situation. Here it is called "letting" instead of renting. And so began my exhausting process of setting up viewings, getting directions, getting lost, refinding myself (often getting lost a second time) and then finally finding the place.

Fortunately I only had to view about 6 places before I found The One. It's in Goatstown, a southern part of Dublin city and is very close to my campus (20 min walk).

It's also a 20 min walk to the biggest shopping centre in Dublin. Now I'm not big on malls (or as they call them here shopping centres) but the ones here are smaller than most US malls. Plus they typically have a butcher shop, a fishmonger, a fruit/veggie grocer and supermarkets in these centres. So I am within walking distance of all of these shops, a few pubs and school. It is ideally located.

The drawback is that it is a college-type house which means it isn't especially nice and it's not well-decorated. But I am hoping to make it a bit nicer and put my own touches on it. :)

Plus there is a garden in the back - an actual garden! Here they call all yards "gardens" so even if it's a concrete slab it's still called a garden.

And my room is good-sized with a double bed, a wardrobe and a desk.

Now I must tend to the details of the deposit, rent, moving in and getting ready for school. Plus getting a phone, a bank account and any necessary household items I need.

So things are underway and moving along despite almost a full week was a near daily struggle to keep myself together, find my way around and not feel completely adrift.

There have only been a few mishaps: I've locked myself out of my friends' house, was bitten by some unknown ugly bug, sliced the top of my finger on a razor in my suitcase and now have a swollen, blocked tear duct in my left eye. I may have to go to the doctor for that one and I haven't a clue on how to do so.

But I have asked my friend for help and am learning to reach out. It's a necessary part of life and it helps me to not feel so isolated. It's coming together and I am finding my legs in the city.

3 weeks to go...

The final countdown has begun! I leave the US on August 5th and land in Dublin on August 6th.

For the most part I am packed and ready to go. My furniture has been sold and most of my personal items have been donated. I'm finalizing my financial aid, preparing my bank accounts and bills and ended a 2.5 year relationship with a client.

I won't name names but this client said nothing in response to my plans - no well wishes, no congratulations, nothing. Perhaps they were upset that I was leaving but their silence was not gracious in my opinion and I'm glad I won't be working with them anymore.

But on a happier note I am making plans to visit friends and give my farewells. Well I'm happy to have the opportunity to tell everyone how much they mean to me but very sad to be saying goodbye to them and to Boulder.

While I have often struggled with my emotions in the past this time is different. I don't struggle with feeling them or wanting to hide them, I struggle with expressing them adequately. I feel words are a pale imitation of the true measure of my heart's content and I can only hope my hugs, tears, laughter and verbal stumblings give everyone a glimpse into my love for them.

But I also see this time as a beautiful gift! I feel so blessed to be able to share my heart with my loved ones. We don't tell or show each other how we feel nearly enough - it's just frowned upon in Western culture for one thing - but I get the chance to do just that! And I'm quite blessed I think. :)

So from an emotional perspective I feel utterly exhausted by the end of the day but my heart and soul are overjoyed. I feel as though I am going home! And I am thrilled I have this opportunity. Even though it's painful to leave everyone beyond (and a bit scary I will admit) I am downright giddy that I get to live in Ireland!!!

I am ready for the challenge, the excitement, the anxiety, the tension, the nervousness, the joy and the overwhelming love I will experience during the next month as I transition to living in the beautiful Emerald Isle. Here I come!

The countdown begins

So this is my blog to share my experiences and express my feelings as I began the early part of a lifelong journey.

In August of this year I am moving to Ireland as a graduate student at University College Dublin (UCD). My first graduate program is a Higher Diploma in Women's Studies. After that my plan is to pursue a graduate degree in Psychology with the longer-term goal of becoming a therapist for women.

You'll notice I said "my plan". I have found that often we plan what we'd like to do but life has a way of redirecting us towards whatever achievement IT has in mind.

When I originally began this journey to graduate school in Ireland I was leaving behind an 11 year career in marketing/copywriting/PR/communications.

Since my undergraduate days I expected to be a successful writer and communications specialist. But life had other plans for me and in April of 2009 I was given some insight into what those plans were.

I'll spare you the details of my discovery (for now) but I will share this: the moment I heard these plans I knew in my heart they were right. I knew my path or at least the general trajectory of my path!

When I came into this life I was born to a wonderful father and a neglectful mother who eventually abandoned both of us. Naturally this left a substantial imprint on me.

In due time I acknowledged this imprint and began working on myself to change it, heal it and live with it. Thanks to a wonderful counselor who I worked with during my teen years I eventually made peace with my situation.

However I did not learn how to embrace this wound nor did I ever learn how to nurture myself as a mother would nurture her child. I was not given that maternal guidance (despite having a loving stepmom and father) and for decades I felt a gaping hole which I could never fill.

No relationship, no career accomplishment, no friendship, no amount of money, no experience in my life - absolutely nothing ever made up for this loss and this longing.

Through years of self-work and exploration I eventually found my way to what would heal my motherloss. I was shown how to nurture myself and mother myself.

And as I did so my life changed. My friendships became more intimate, I began to trust in the sharing process and began to open myself up more. I embraced my emotions and shared them with trustworthy and loving people.

And I journeyed. For my 33rd birthday I took a trip to Ireland for 20 days. It was my gift to myself for coming so far in my life and following a truly difficult path.

As I traveled around the Emerald Isle I could feel a loving, mothering presence all around me. It wasn't a particular native I met or the man I fell in love with. Nor was it the great ocean holding the gentle lands in Her embrace.

That mother love came from every part of the country: Her majestic green rolling hills, Her gentle love shining in the eyes of most everyone I met, the jolly laugh of friends at the local pub. All of it. All of it was mothering to me. And I wanted to saturate myself with it. I simply couldn't fill myself up enough with it.

There in that beautiful, beautiful country I found The Mother I had been searching for over 30 years. It was the most transcendental, ecstatic experience I had ever had.

Nearly every day I was in Ireland I wept. I wept for the love I had been missing, for the mother I had never known but had now found, for the little girl I once was (and still am) who cried out night after night fearing the next morning would bring total and utter abandonment from all her loved ones.

And I sobbed endlessly when I realized I had to leave Her, this mothering presence.

Here was the one thing my soul had ached for for 33 years and I would have to leave it. It was unimaginable to me. It was as though I had lost my Mother all over again...only this time I knew Her love and what it was like to be held in Her love, to be embraced, accepted and supported by Her love.

So towards the end of my trip I simply decided I would return to Ireland on a permanent basis. Ireland had embraced me as Her own and for the rest of my life I would weep until I embraced Her heart calling to mine.

In early June of 2009 I came up with a plan: graduate school in Ireland.

Thanks to Divine Guidance I knew my career path was changing. And to best facilitate this change I chose to return to college and get a graduate degree (or 2 or 3!). I knew going to graduate school in Ireland would be the perfect beginning to the new leg of my life journey.

And so this August I will take an enormous step/leap/jump on my path as I enter graduate school. My work in Ireland will help me discover how to help others heal their own motherloss.

I am ecstatic, elated and overjoyed at this opportunity. When I think about I'm certain my body simply crackles with excitement!

For almost 15 years I have been searching for my calling, my path and my purpose. Now I have found it or at least discovered the early stages of it: love myself, nurture myself by living in Her presence in Ireland and help other women heal their motherless.

So even though I am saying farewell to the most joyful family in Colorado and my generous and loving family in Wisconsin it is with resoluteness and solidness that I do so.

I am strong in who I am, where I am going and what I am doing.

My heart knows I am always guided, supported and loved in this journey (as well are) and I know this will hold true in Ireland as well.

And this is the blog where I will share my ups and downs, my joys and my sorrows along this path. Always knows my heart will be thinking and loving each of you as I journey.

Please join me and contribute as you are so moved.