Autumn Winds

I am a lover of Autumn (I call it "fall" but apparently no one in Ireland does so) and all it brings with it: cooler temperatures, lingering scents of fallen leaves, slowly fading flowers and grass. This time of year is always a time for reflection, inner dialogues and personal exploration for me.

And as you can imagine this Autumn has been no different. I have made great strides in my goals however (being the penultimate Capricorn Rising that I am) I worry about my next steps instead of enjoying the fruits of my labors.

So for the last week I have focused more on the "now" and less on the "where the f**k am I going next?". It was Reading Week so we had no class and no readings for the week. In essence I had an entirely free week to do as I pleased. So I spent a day or two just hanging out reading books for my essays and doing some "fun" readings as well. I also visited Newgrange and the Hill of Tara; I took a Ghost bus tour of Dublin and went to the cinema for a scary movie marathon on Friday.

And I spent the weekend - the entire weekend - with my boyfriend. I haven't spent that much time with a SO in quite awhile. It was good, really good in fact. We had a quiet day on Saturday. I napped and walked his dog; he worked on his new phone. We went out to a couple of parties on Saturday and then had a leisurely morning/afternoon on Sunday.

In total we spent nearly 48 hours together - good practice for our weekend away. And he didn't get on my nerves which is probably a small miracle.

It was such a good weekend in fact it scared me. I enjoy his company very much, feel quite comfortable with him and generally like him. So why should that be scary? Well I'll tell you why: because it could end. OR (and this is even scarier to me) it could continue and develop into something "serious" (whatever that means).

The latter is the most unsettling because those are rarely-chartered waters for me. I'm accustomed to being "dumped" after a month or two of dating (K and I are coming up on 2 months quite soon) but I haven't been in a long-term relationship in over 10 years. Yes I said 10 years it wasn't a typo. So if this continues (and I am hopeful it will) I will yet again be pushing up against my comfort zone.

Of course that is a positive thing because it signals growth and what is life without growth? It isn't life, it is death. But at the same time there is part of me that is saying "enough already!" to all of this uncomfortable edge stuff.

So I see-saw back and forth between being comfortable with the uncomfortable and resisting it.

But that's fairly natural I would think. And even if it isn't I don't much care. It is how I feel and I am just fine with whatever I feel.

What I have not been comfortable with is my living situation. My roommate is not what I had expected: she is bordering on a control freak. My cleaning is never good enough, she complains I don't communicate with her (which is probably true because I don't particularly like her so I avoid talking with her) and then she complains about the way I do communicate with her (I have sent her texts when I have not been home mainly because I have not been home).

In general it is an uncomfortable place to be so I hide out in my room whenever I am there. And when I'm not I struggle to find a good place to study and eat decent food.

At this point I am counting down the days til Christmas because I know after the holidays it will only be 2 months until I can move out. In the mean time I am finding creative solutions: using the kitchenette on the campus and possibly studying at a friend's house in the city centre during the day. Eating out is getting old but studying at home is not an option - even if I liked my house.

But all of these difficulties and emotional upheavals are temporary. They are part of the waves of life so I must ride them and ride through them. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is this: The only way out is through.