An absolute mess

Today I sit in my soon-to-be-old room with my bags packed (including my refrigerated M&S bag of cold foods) waiting for someone to pick me up and drive me to my temporary home.

That temporary home will most likely be an even shorter-term let then expected; the landlord has already let the place I was supposed to move into and now he is saying he probably has people lined up for the place I am going to today. So I may have a place to stay for a night, maybe two if I'm lucky.

After that? Who the fuck knows. (Yeah I dropped the F bomb, that's how pissed off I am.) I'm beyond frustrated. This has become one gigantic cosmic joke but no one has told me the punchline.

I have reached my limit. My tolerance and patience level is zero. I cannot handle any more stress. NONE. My body is constantly overwrought with stress and my mind can barely stop worrying for more than a few minutes. Meditation doesn't help, chocolate doesn't help, even sleep doesn't help because I have frightening dreams.

I am beginning to wonder if this was worth it. I wonder if I should have bothered with any of this.

My entire week was spent fretting over when my loan money would be available to me and when I could register for classes. I didn't know anything until Friday afternoon and the end date was announced: Monday September 13th. 9 days from now. 9 days!

I have been living on 2 paychecks since the first week of August. Those paychecks are gone and I have now had to charge my groceries on my American credit cards which means international usage fees...and MORE debt. I hate debt like this: it's stupid and pointless. Debt for a home = fine. Debt for school = fine. Credit card? Stupid.

But at least I have the option and will pay off much of the balance when my loans are available to me (loans can be used for travel and school-related expenses so I can pay off anything I've had to spend to get here).

And I can register for classes next week so that's a plus. Hopefully I'll have a place to shower then so I can go to class and not smell like a homeless person.

Clearly things are turning around albeit quite slowly. Maybe it's a bit like a snowball that's just started rolling downhill and is gaining momentum. Just a tiny bit more and it will pick up the speed necessary to be at full throttle.

Heaven above I hope so because I've had about all I can manage without eating an entire box of chocolate bars and several hours of Buffy reruns.